Wednesday, December 12, 2012

My Story - Male with anorexia? Impossible...

'Ello mates. As by popular request I wanted to share my entirety of my story with all of you.

Well.. It all started when I dated a girl named Katie (Kaitlyn being her real name, she just liked to be called Katie) she was an extremely beautiful girl and to this day I think about her and what I could've done differently, but she moved on, as did I. That is a different story for a different time though.

Anyways, I used to be "out of shape" I was eating a can of pringles a day, and a shit ton o' food whilist sedentary. I didn't care too much about my general health or exercise, at the time. Fast forward I met Katie. She was into those lean, sexy toned bodies. Well I begun dieting (at my age which was very unhealthy and nearly ruined my development.) I started to jog outside, I was eating the same amount but I was seeing no difference. So I got a pull-up bar, some weights and begun to do some home-exercises.. I still saw no results. Finally I got fed up for not being able to have no sexual attraction (she said it herself) from her. I begun restricting my calories and I was eating at a low of 800. Never put a piece of chocolate, or anything of that nature in my body. I didn't fear them, I just wanted results. Fast forward a few months, I lost 40 pounds. I was finally under-weight and nearly destroyed inside, I had also developed Anorexia Athletica at the time. Well, little did I know that she had been cheating on me during this time. That is when things got very bad in my life.. I begun not eating, and exercising immensely. 2-3 hours a day with no water breaks, or any breaks at all. The only thing that entered my body was water, and food when it absolutely needed to. I was getting more and more frail, weak and destructive. I was cursing out my parents, I was destroying stuff and I was hating my life. I wanted no more part of anything, and I finally had a voice controlling me and telling me what to do, when to do it and how. I had to be perfect on my form when exercising and I had to do it 5 more times than the normal reps to make sure that I did the "appropriate" amount of reps. This went on for several months, when one day.. I had collapsed and woke up in a hospital. I was being fed at the hospital, with no exercise. I hated myself more and more by the day, I knew once I got home.. It was back to restrictive eating and disordered lifestyle. The minute I got home I begun to restrict and exercise, this time for 3-4 hours. I had lost more weight + more than what I was in the hospital.

My true, real and active recovery happened when I was found in my bathroom purging out a Reeces Klondike Bar. I was taken (this time to a new hospital) where I found a very beautiful girl, who is now my girlfriend, named Brooke. Her and I would talk and talk in the hospital, eventually it grew into love. We both decided that we were ready to leave the hospital and begin real recovery, both of us. We both went out, ate Buffalo Wild Wings, Pizza, Subway, you name it. I was actually gaining weight, this time with a partner who I truely feel will be the love of my life, forever. I can't say her BMI exactly, but she does weigh more than me. Sometimes it makes her feel really bad, but I believe (from looking at her) she is maintaining a BMI of 22ish?  We followed guidelines directed to us, 3000-3500 calories, more if desired. Well I am a extremely hungry person and am not ever "full" so I still eat a lot, I'm sure my insides are still damaged, seeing as full, complete and true remission happens 9 months in. I have maintained a BMI of 19.5-20.3 for the past month, with fluctuation, and I eat what I want, as I please. Of course most of my choices are still healthily or at least semi-healthy. I have found a new desire in food and I tend to be the chef of my house (which my girlfriend seems to eat at a lot.) My parents, friends and girlfriend are all much, much happier now.. It is amazing what 2 months can do, and how close it can bring you together with your loved ones. I am extremely fortunate and lucky to have a lot of people to care for me. I can not tell you guys how great it is finally not fearing food anymore. Searching an item for its ingredients and calories.

If you are struggling with a form of Anorexia (Anorexia Nervosa, Anorexia Athletica, etc) please, tell somebody you love. The eating disorder and the voice don't want you to believe that there is a better tomorrow, but there is. The voice wants you dead, and it wants you dead as soon as it can kill you. Kill it, before it kills you.